MY MATES MEDIA

Panic. Pure, unadulterated, sweat-dripping-onto-the-phone-screen panic. That is the only word to describe what unfolded across The Shiva Bowl on Monday night, as the free agency window cracked open and eight coaches absolutely lost their minds in a frenzied half-hour of roster carnage spanning both Round 1 and Round 2 windows.

It started with the Round 1 leftovers. Jackson quietly delisted M. Bergman at 9:04 pm — a mercy killing, really — before the real bloodbath began ten minutes later. At 9:14 pm, four coaches hit the button simultaneously like it was some kind of coordinated military strike.

Maddie made the first splash, swapping out Ed Langdon for B. Cook. Langdon, a man who presumably thought he had a roster spot when he woke up this morning, has been replaced by a bloke whose main qualification appears to be "not Ed Langdon." Marc over at Stabby Chatfields executed a similar manoeuvre — Jake Stringer out, N. Watson in. Stringer's delisting was overdue by approximately three rounds, and Watson is the kind of speculative pick that either pays off beautifully or gets quietly delisted in Round 4 when nobody's looking.

But the real 9:14 pm chaos belonged to the Round 2 window. Tom fired a double shot — C. Mackenzie and D. Robertson — without delisting anyone. Two acquisitions, no casualties. This is either the move of a man with supreme roster depth or a man who doesn't realise he's about to have a bench management crisis. Either way, Tom is Team is hoarding players like a fantasy dragon sitting on a pile of mid-priced gold.

Anna matched Tom's energy at 9:14 pm, picking up M. Murdock and showing C. Sharman the door in the same breath. Sharman barely had time to unpack. Meanwhile, Claire — yes, Claire, who we genuinely thought might be asleep — quietly snuck in and grabbed D. Stephens. No delisting. No fanfare. Just a clean pickup from a coach who apparently does things on their own schedule. Jackson piled on too, adding L. Jaques to an already bloated Cotton On roster.

Three minutes later at 9:17 pm, the heavyweights entered the ring. Zwerve went absolutely ballistic, executing a double RFA manoeuvre that can only be described as "controlled demolition." Out go Keidean Coleman and Z. Zakostelsky — two players who presumably thought they had jobs — and in come Josh Battle and Josh Rachele. Battle is a known fantasy scorer and Rachele is the kind of chaotic small forward who'll either kick four goals or get subbed off at quarter time. The Diamond Zwerves are not here to participate. They're here to cause problems.

At exactly the same time, Jackson was smashing the acquire button on two more free agents. J. Ross and Dion Prestia now wear Cotton On colours. That's three acquisitions in one night for Jackson with zero delistings — Cotton On Contributions is either building a superteam or just collecting players like Pokémon cards. Prestia is an interesting gamble — when fit, the bloke is a fantasy machine, but "when fit" is doing a lot of heavy lifting in that sentence.

Charlie emerged from the shadows at 9:24 pm, wielding the axe. A. Roberts — delisted. In his place: Sam Berry, a proven midfielder who could genuinely lift CharlieGuerno. Two minutes later at 9:26 pm, Charlie struck again — B. Long delisted, T. Blamires acquired. This is a full roster refresh from a coach who clearly looked at the Round 1 scoreboard and decided several of his players needed to be replaced immediately.

Anna then delisted J. Hopper at 9:26 pm — a delayed execution from the Round 1 window that feels like Anna simply forgot to press the button earlier. And then, fashionably late at 9:27 pm, Anna strolled back in to pluck J. Amartey off the free agency list. Amartey is the kind of ruck/forward hybrid who either dominates the hitouts or stands in the goalsquare looking confused.

Notably absent from the carnage: Al, Spongi, KP, and Mitch. Four coaches sat on their hands while the world burned around them. Are they patient? Strategic? Asleep? My Mates Media can confirm at least two of them were "watching Netflix" when the moves went through. Whether that constitutes coaching negligence is a matter for the tribunal.

In total: eight coaches, thirteen acquisitions, eight delistings, and the complete reshaping of The Shiva Bowl's 2026 landscape. The free agency window giveth, and it taketh away. Mostly it taketh away any remaining dignity from the coaches involved.

More to come as the fallout continues. My Mates Media has attempted to reach all twelve coaches for comment. Four have not responded. Three sent voice notes that were mostly just heavy breathing. Two threatened legal action. The remaining three simply sent a screenshot of their roster and the word "dynasty."