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Editorial staff still in shock. J. Sinclair scores 244. Z. Butters scores 288. H. Sheezel scores 256. Nobody is okay.
In what can only be described as a new low for a franchise already scraping the bottom, Spongi's Catslee Spinning has achieved the impossible: losing to Tom is Team in a round where Tom was given a literal zero percent chance of winning. Spongi activated Gladiator Mode — credit where it's due — stripping back to four players like a proper warrior. The problem? Tom also had four players. And one of them was J. Sinclair, who scored 244 points like a man possessed. Spongi's C. Petracca fought valiantly with 138, but when your opponent's single defender outscores your entire midfield, ruck, and defence combined, it's time to reassess some life choices. Catslee Spinning now sits 12th on the ladder at 0-2 with a percentage of 87%. From minor premier under Mrs Ling to dead last under Spongi in two rounds. The curse is real. The dunce cap fits.
**A NOTE FROM THE EDITORS:** My Mates Media would like to formally apologise for the delay in publishing this week's Round 2 recap. The entire editorial team — from our senior correspondents to the unpaid intern who runs the news ticker — has been in a state of collective psychological shock since Sunday evening, when Tom is Team somehow, inexplicably, against all mathematical probability, won a game of fantasy football. We gave him zero percent. The algorithm gave him zero percent. God gave him zero percent. He won anyway. Several staff members have requested personal leave. Our statistical modelling department has tendered its resignation. We are not okay. But the news must go on.
Round 2 of The Shiva Bowl was billed as 'Gladiator Mode' — a bye-ravaged hellscape where half the league would field skeleton crews and the other half would feast on full rosters. What nobody predicted — literally nobody, as confirmed by the 0% win probability — was that the man with three functioning players and a prayer would emerge victorious. Tom is Team defeated Catslee Spinning 504-376 in a matchup that played out with just four players per side. The hero? J. Sinclair, who posted an absurd 244 points from the defensive line like a man who knew his coach's entire season depended on him personally. Spongi, to his eternal credit, DID activate Gladiator Mode — stripping his team back to four players in a display of competitive integrity that this publication mocked extensively in its Round 2 preview. We were wrong. Spongi was honourable. He still lost. C. Petracca's 138 was the highest individual score on the Catslee side, but when your opponent's single defender is scoring 244, honour doesn't pay the bills. Catslee Spinning falls to 0-2 and dead last on the ladder. From minor premier to the dunce cap in two rounds flat.
But if Tom's win was the emotional headline, the statistical headline belonged to the men who decided this week that fantasy football was a personal insult and responded accordingly. Z. Butters — playing for KP's Lachie Neale's Divorce Lawyer — scored 288 points. Two hundred and eighty-eight. That is not a typo. That is not a combined score. That is one man, in one round, scoring more points than Stabby Chatfields and claire managed between their entire teams combined (558). KP's squad was given a 7% win probability against The Diamond Zwerves and won 1316-1189, because when one of your midfielders decides to outscore most teams by himself, probabilities become suggestions. Zwerve's J. Caldwell fought back with 212 and J. Newcombe added 100, but you can't out-Butters Butters.
Not to be outdone, H. Sheezel put on an absolute clinic for Jackson's Cotton On Contributions, posting 256 points in a forward line that was supposed to be good but wasn't supposed to be THAT good. Cotton On exploded for 1393 total points — the highest team score of the season so far — demolishing Maddiekarp's 1170 in a matchup where Maddie was actually the pre-round favourite at 59%. Jackson's J. Steele added 138 from the mids, and suddenly Cotton On Contributions looks less like a team name and more like a mission statement. Maddie falls to 0-2 and the brutal reality of being outscored by 223 points when you were supposed to win.
Mitch's MitchWhite continued the theme of 'ruck gods deciding matches' as M. Gawn put up 254 points to power a 1163-1057 victory over Wominjeka Warriros. Al was projected to win at 55% and had been flying high after a Round 1 win, but Gawn had other plans. The big man's 254 was backed up by Z. Merrett's 100, and Mitch quietly moves to 2-0 — the kind of start that should concern everyone. Al's C. Serong tried with 128 and C. Oliver added 96, but when you're fighting a 254-point ruck, you're bringing a knife to a very large gunfight.
Anna's Angels15 delivered the one result that actually went to script, beating CharlieGuerno 1260-1141 after being 92% favourites. M. Bontempelli's 216 was the centrepiece of an Angels performance that looked like an actual, well-managed fantasy team — a concept so foreign in this league it almost felt suspicious. Charlie's N. Wanganeen-Milera responded with a monster 180 from defence, but the overall squad depth wasn't there. Charlie drops to 1-1 after that blistering Round 1 debut, while Anna evens up at 1-1 with a statement that her Angels aren't just here to pad out the fixture.
And then there was the Gladiator Mode Grand Final: Stabby Chatfields 340, claire 218. Marc's entire team was E. Richards (188) and T. Xerri (152). Claire's was D. Stephens (132) and T. Nankervis (86). That's it. That's the matchup. Four players across two teams in what was technically a sanctioned game of AFL Fantasy. It looked like two coaches had a bet about who could score fewer points, and Claire won that particular competition. Marc moves to 2-0 and into the top three, which sounds impressive until you remember this week's win came in a format that barely qualifies as fantasy football. Claire falls to 0-2 with a season total of 1454 points — a number that Cotton On Contributions scored in a single round with change to spare.
The ladder after two rounds tells a story of three tiers. The undefeated trio of Lachie Neale's Divorce Lawyer (2-0, 111%), MitchWhite (2-0, 109%), and Stabby Chatfields (2-0, 109%) sit atop the table like three coaches who have very different reasons for being there — one has Z. Butters, one has M. Gawn, and one has been playing with two players. The middle pack of Cotton On, Anna's Angels, Tom, Charlie, Wominjeka, and Diamond are all locked at 1-1, separated by percentage and existential dread. And at the bottom, the winless wasteland of Maddiekarp, claire, and Catslee Spinning — three teams, zero wins, and a combined percentage that reads like a failing grade.
All coaches were made available for questions. Most of them should not have been.
Q: Tom. You won. You had a zero percent win probability. Literally zero. How?
“I always believed. Even when the algorithm didn't believe. Even when My Mates Media wrote an entire article about how I had no chance. Even when the group chat was sending me funeral arrangements. I believed. And more importantly, J. Sinclair believed.”
Q: J. Sinclair scored 244 points. That's 48% of your entire team score from one player.
“That's called leadership. That's called standing up when your coach needs you most. J. Sinclair didn't just carry my team — he carried my dignity. He carried my reputation. He carried my will to continue participating in this league. 244 points. That man deserves a statue.”
Q: Spongi activated Gladiator Mode. He stripped back to four players. Without that, you'd have been smashed.
“And I respect Spongi enormously for that. Truly. He's a man of honour. A man of integrity. A man who is now 0-2 and last on the ladder, but still — a man of honour. I almost feel bad. Almost.”
Q: You scored 504 total points this round. That's the second-lowest winning score in league history.
“A win is a win. It doesn't matter if you win by 500 or by 128. Actually, I won by 128. Against the team that was supposed to demolish me. From 12th to 6th. The redemption arc is REAL.”
Q: Spongi, you activated Gladiator Mode. You honoured the spirit of the competition. And you lost to the man with zero percent.
“I'd like the record to show that I did the right thing. I looked at the byes, I looked at my roster, and I said 'no, I will not field a full squad against a man with three players. I am better than that.' And then C. Petracca scored 138 and J. Sinclair scored two hundred and forty-four and I am not better than that, apparently.”
Q: You're now 0-2 and last on the ladder. The team that was the minor premier under Mrs Ling.
“Mrs Ling left me a poisoned chalice. She left me a roster that looks great on paper but scores 376 points in Gladiator Mode. I'm not saying I inherited a disaster, but I am heavily implying it.”
Q: C. Petracca scored 138. That's a strong individual performance.
“Petracca was magnificent. He was a warrior. He scored 138 and it meant absolutely nothing because J. Sinclair decided to have the greatest game of his fantasy career specifically to ruin my weekend. 244 from a defender. A DEFENDER. That's not fantasy football, that's fantasy treason.”
Q: Any message for Tom?
“Congratulations. You've peaked. It's all downhill from here. And when I say downhill, I mean for both of us, because we're both terrible. But at least I was terrible with honour.”
Q: Jackson. 1393 points. Highest score of the season. H. Sheezel scored 256. What just happened?
“What happened is that Cotton On Contributions stopped contributing and started dominating. 1393. I want everyone to read that number again. One thousand three hundred and ninety-three. That's not a fantasy score, that's a phone number.”
Q: H. Sheezel with 256. Did you know he had that in him?
“I drafted him specifically for rounds like this. I looked at him in the draft and said 'this boy will score 256 one day and Jackson, you need to be there when it happens.' Did I actually say that? No. But retroactively, yes. Absolutely.”
Q: J. Steele scored 138 from the mids. C. Wilkie scored 107 from defence. Your entire team showed up.
“Steele is a freak. Sheezel is a freak. The whole team is freaks. We're a circus of excellence and Maddiekarp unfortunately bought a ticket to the wrong show.”
Q: Maddie was the favourite at 59%. You were supposed to lose this one.
“The projections exist so that winners like me can ignore them. 59% against? That's not a stat, that's motivation. I printed it out and stuck it on the fridge. Then I scored 1393 and ate the printout.”
Q: Maddie, 0-2. You were the favourite this week. Cotton On scored 1393 against you.
“I'd like to report a crime. 1393 should not be legal. H. Sheezel should not be legal. I scored 1170, which in any normal matchup would be a comfortable win, and instead I'm sitting here 0-2 watching Jackson do a victory lap.”
Q: T. Liberatore scored 108 for you, T. Miller 108 as well. Solid performers.
“Solid! Yes! Exactly! Solid! And solid gets you absolutely nowhere when the other bloke's forward is scoring 256 like he's playing a different sport. I brought a solid team to a freak show and the freaks won.”
Q: Two losses. Two rounds where you were projected to win or be competitive. Pattern forming?
“There's no pattern. Round 1 was a 10-point loss. Round 2 was a 223-point loss. If anything, the pattern is that things are getting dramatically worse, which I refuse to acknowledge as a pattern.”
Q: 0-2 club alongside claire and Catslee. Thoughts on the company?
“I scored 1170. Claire scored 218. If we're in the same club then the club needs better membership criteria.”
Q: KP, 2-0. Top of the ladder. Z. Butters scored 288. Are you even real?
“I'm very real. Z. Butters is very real. 288 points is very real. Everyone who gave me a 7% win probability is very wrong. I don't hold grudges though. I just hold the top of the ladder.”
Q: 288 from one player. That's more than Stabby and claire scored between their entire teams.
“Is it? I hadn't done that maths. That's actually hilarious. Z. Butters, by himself, outscored two complete teams. I should be paying that man. Actually, I don't pay him anything. Fantasy football is beautiful.”
Q: Zwerve was given a 93% win probability. You were at 7%. This is one of the biggest upsets in Shiva Bowl history.
“Seven percent. They gave me seven. I took that seven and I turned it into a hundred. That's a 1329% return on investment. Try getting that from a savings account.”
Q: Two wins from two. Lachie Neale himself was on a bye. You won without him.
“The divorce lawyer doesn't need Lachie Neale. That's the whole point of the name. The lawyer works independently. The lawyer gets results. The lawyer is 2-0 and the client is on a bye. Poetic, really.”
Q: Zwerve, you were 93% favourites. You lost. Z. Butters scored 288 against you. Process this.
“I cannot process this. 288 is not a real number. 288 is what happens when the simulation glitches. I had J. Caldwell scoring 212. 212! That would win most matchups. Instead it's a footnote because some bloke named Butters decided to break fantasy football.”
Q: You picked up J. Battle and J. Rachele in free agency. They scored 76 and 70 respectively. The arms race didn't work?
“The arms race was fine. My arms were fine. The problem is that KP brought a nuclear weapon called Z. Butters and you can't arms-race a nuclear weapon. You can only watch it detonate and pick up what's left of your season.”
Q: From 22% upset winners in Round 1 to 93% upset losers in Round 2. The variance gods giveth and taketh.
“Last week I was the story. This week I'm the punchline. That's fantasy football. It builds you up just to watch you crumble. I'm 1-1 and emotionally 0-2.”
Q: J. Newcombe scored 100 and it barely mattered. That says everything.
“Newcombe was brilliant. Caldwell was brilliant. Even B. Hill chipped in 84. We had two players over 100. And we lost. Because one man scored two hundred and eighty-eight. I'm going to say that number until it stops hurting. It hasn't stopped yet.”
Q: Anna, a convincing win over CharlieGuerno. M. Bontempelli with 216. The Angels are flying.
“Bontempelli is an angel. Literally. He's in my team called Angels and he played like an angel. 216 points. I would like to personally thank him for existing and for being on my fantasy team.”
Q: You were 92% favourites. This is the only result in Round 2 that went largely to script.
“I'm glad someone played to the script. Have you seen the rest of this round? Tom winning at zero percent? Z. Butters scoring 288? This round was written by a drunk screenwriter and I'm the only coach who read the teleprompter correctly.”
Q: 1-1 after two rounds. Back on track after the Round 1 loss to Wominjeka.
“Exactly. Round 1 was the universe testing me. Round 2 was me answering. The answer was 1260 points and an A. Brayshaw who scored 132 just to make a point. We're level. We're dangerous. We're angelic.”
Q: Charlie's N. Wanganeen-Milera scored 180 against you. Were you concerned?
“For about four seconds, yes. Then Bontempelli scored 216 and the concern evaporated like Charlie's win probability.”
Q: Charlie, 1141. A big drop from your 1323 debut. Anna's Angels took you apart.
“I reject the premise. 1141 is a respectable score. The problem wasn't my output, the problem was M. Bontempelli deciding that 216 points was an appropriate thing to do on a Sunday. That's a one-man demolition crew and he demolished me specifically.”
Q: N. Wanganeen-Milera scored 180 for you. Your defence outperformed your mids.
“Wanganeen-Milera was sensational. 180 from defence. If the rest of my team had matched that energy, we'd have scored about 2500 and won comfortably. They did not match that energy. They matched the energy of a Tuesday afternoon.”
Q: You were 8% chance going in. Were you ever confident?
“I'm always confident. Confidence is free. Results cost extra. This week I could only afford the confidence.”
Q: Round 1: 1323 and a statement win. Round 2: 1141 and a comfortable loss. Which is the real Charlie?
“Both. I contain multitudes. Last week I was a lion. This week I was a slightly smaller lion who got beaten by a Bontempelli. It happens to the best of us.”
Q: Marc, 2-0. You've won both rounds. This one was 340-218. You had two players.
“Two players, two wins. That's a 100% win rate per player, per round. Show me another coach in this league with those efficiency metrics. You can't. Because I'm the most efficient coach alive.”
Q: E. Richards scored 188. T. Xerri scored 152. That was your entire team.
“Richards and Xerri are the two greatest warriors in Gladiator Mode history. They walked into the arena, they looked at D. Stephens and T. Nankervis, and they said 'not today.' Actually they said nothing because they're athletes on a fantasy app, but emotionally, that's what happened.”
Q: Claire had two players as well. This was technically a 2v2.
“It was the purest form of fantasy football. No bench depth, no loopholes, no strategy. Just two players each and whoever's were better wins. My two were better. I move to 2-0. It's science.”
Q: You're 3rd on the ladder at 2-0 with 1573 total points. That's less than Cotton On scored in a single round.
“And yet we have the same number of wins as Cotton On. More, actually. I have two wins. Jackson has one. Points are for statisticians. Wins are for champions.”
Q: Claire, 218 points. That's the lowest score of the round. D. Stephens and T. Nankervis. That's all you had.
“That is indeed all I had. The bye round took my team out back and shot it. I had two players. Two. D. Stephens scored 132, which I'm actually quite proud of. T. Nankervis scored 86, which is... also a number.”
Q: You were projected 243 and scored 218. You underperformed even the lowest bar imaginable.
“When the bar is underground, somehow I found a shovel. That's talent. Negative talent, but talent nonetheless.”
Q: 0-2 now. Both losses in unusual circumstances — Round 1 as a 78% favourite, Round 2 in Gladiator Mode.
“I've lost in every possible format. Full squad, skeleton crew, favoured, unfavoured. I'm a versatile loser. I can lose in any conditions, any weather, any number of available players. It's my one consistent skill.”
Q: The lowercase 'claire' — still a stylistic choice?
“It's now legally mandated. After scoring 218 points I'm not allowed capital letters. The league has spoken.”
Q: Al, you were projected to win. M. Gawn scored 254 against you and Mitch took the match. Reaction.
“M. Gawn is a cheat code. 254 from a ruck is not normal human behaviour. My J. Witts scored 91 in the ruck, which is perfectly fine, perfectly normal, perfectly useless when the other bloke's ruckman is scoring 254 like he's in a video game on easy mode.”
Q: C. Serong scored 128 for you. C. Oliver added 96. Strong midfield. Still not enough.
“My midfield was excellent. My team was good. My opponent's ruck was ungodly. You can't plan for ungodly. You can only sit in the wreckage and wonder what you did to deserve M. Gawn being on someone else's team.”
Q: From 1358 in Round 1 to 1057 in Round 2. A 301-point drop. The rebrand buff wearing off?
“The rebrand buff is eternal. 1057 is a temporary setback. Wominjeka Warriros do not accept defeat gracefully — we accept it loudly and with extensive complaints about the ruck matchup.”
Q: 1-1 now. The butterfly from Round 1 has been grounded.
“The butterfly is not grounded. The butterfly is refuelling. The butterfly will return in Round 3 with a vengeance and a better ruck matchup. Hopefully.”
Q: Mitch, 2-0. Quietly moved into second on the ladder. M. Gawn scored 254. Are you the real deal?
“I don't know what the real deal is, but I'm 2-0 and nobody seems to have noticed, so I'm going to keep doing exactly what I'm doing and hope everyone keeps looking the other way.”
Q: M. Gawn with 254. That's the third-highest individual score this round behind Z. Butters (288) and H. Sheezel (256).
“Third highest? So Gawn was actually underperforming by this round's standards? That's terrifying. This round was insane. I'll take my 254 and my win and leave quietly.”
Q: You were given just a 45% chance against Wominjeka. Two upset wins from two rounds now.
“People keep calling them upsets. I call them results. An upset implies I shouldn't have won. I disagree. I won because my players scored more points. That's literally how the game works.”
Q: Any message for the league from 2-0?
“No message. Messages are for coaches who want attention. I want wins. I have two. I'll collect more. Good evening.”
| # | Team | W | L | D | PF | PA | % |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Lachie Neale's Divorce Lawyer | 2 | 0 | 0 | 2576 | 2319 | 111.1 |
| 2 | MitchWhite | 2 | 0 | 0 | 2397 | 2194 | 109.3 |
| 3 | Stabby Chatfields | 2 | 0 | 0 | 1573 | 1441 | 109.2 |
| 4 | Cotton On Contributions | 1 | 1 | 0 | 2608 | 2493 | 104.6 |
| 5 | Anna's Angels15 | 1 | 1 | 0 | 2544 | 2499 | 101.8 |
| 6 | Tom is Team | 1 | 1 | 0 | 1634 | 1636 | 99.9 |
| 7 | CharlieGuerno | 1 | 1 | 0 | 2464 | 2475 | 99.6 |
| 8 | Wominjeka Warriros | 1 | 1 | 0 | 2415 | 2447 | 98.7 |
| 9 | The Diamond Zwerves | 1 | 1 | 0 | 2505 | 2552 | 98.2 |
| 10 | Maddiekarp | 0 | 2 | 0 | 2393 | 2626 | 91.1 |
| 11 | claire | 0 | 2 | 0 | 1454 | 1656 | 87.8 |
| 12 | 🚨Catslee Spinning | 0 | 2 | 0 | 1513 | 1738 | 87.1 |