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Stabby goes 4-0. Tom climbs to 2nd. Claire wins without Daicos. But enough about them — Maddiekarp lost again.
Four rounds. Four losses. Zero wins. One Maddiekarp. What started as an unfortunate opening round loss has blossomed into a full-blown catastrophe of biblical proportions. Maddie was PROJECTED to win this week — projected 1191 to KP's projected 987. The algorithms said yes. The spreadsheets said yes. The win probability said yes. Maddiekarp said no. Not intentionally, of course — nobody intentionally goes 0-4 — but B. Grundy decided to score 137 from the ruck, S. Darcy dropped 188 from the forward line, and suddenly KP's 'projected 987' became an actual 1184 and Maddie's 'projected 1191' became an actual 1070. That's a 318-point swing from projections. A swing so violent it should come with a safety warning and a neck brace. T. English scored 102 as captain — perfectly adequate, completely irrelevant when the opposition ruck is outscoring you by 35 and their forward line is committing what can only be described as fantasy football arson. The most remarkable thing about Maddiekarp's 0-4 start isn't that she's lost four in a row. It's that she genuinely could have won at least two of these games. She scored 1223, 1170, 1165, and now 1070 — an average of 1157, which would place her 7th in the league by average score. Instead, she's 12th. Dead last. A masterclass in finding new and creative ways to lose football matches. If losing were an art form, Maddiekarp would be in the Louvre.
Round 4 of The Shiva Bowl delivered captain masterclasses across the board, an upset nobody saw coming, and the tightest game of the season so far. Six matchups, six stories, and a league that's starting to separate into the haves and the have-nots.
Tom is Team continued the greatest redemption arc in Shiva Bowl history with a 1320-1222 demolition of CharlieGuerno. B. Smith, captain, 248 points. That man has scored 308 and now 248 in back-to-back captaincy performances, carrying Tom from 12th after Round 1 to 2nd on the ladder after Round 4. Charlie's M. Holmes captained for 216 — a perfectly respectable score that would win most weeks — but Tom's supporting cast of K. Coleman (109), M. Kennedy (109), and R. Sanders (109) proved the difference. Three players on exactly 109. The universe loves symmetry and Tom loves second place on the ladder.
In the upset of the round, claire pulled off a stunning 1216-1142 victory over Cotton On Contributions despite N. Daicos, her Round 3 hero (280 points), posting a DNP. Claire's best player didn't play and she still won. W. Ashcroft stepped into the captaincy void and delivered a 254-point masterclass, supported by C. Daniel (115), D. Stephens (100), L. Morris (103), and T. Sparrow (102) — four players cracking the century. Cotton On, projected 1283, managed just 1142. Jackson's H. Sheezel, who scored 272 and 256 in the previous two rounds, was held to 102. That's still a good score. It's also 170 less than his Round 2 captain effort. Two straight losses for Cotton On, who still lead the league in points for at 5029 — cold comfort when you're 2-2.
Anna's Angels15 bounced back from last week's bye-ravaged 785 with a 1203-1073 victory over MitchWhite, powered by M. Bontempelli's captain score of 260. The Bont — 260 points — the highest individual score of the round. Mitch's M. Gawn responded with a captain's 241 in what was the captain battle of the week, but when your opponent's captain outscores yours by 19 and the rest of Anna's team holds together while Mitch's crumbles, 241 from a ruckman isn't enough. Both teams move to 2-2, Mitch continuing a slide from 2-0 that's starting to look like a trend.
Marc's Stabby Chatfields survived a scare against Catslee Spinning, winning 1165-1140 in the closest game of the round by just 25 points. D. Zorko captained for 232 — the third straight round Zorko has scored a captain century for Stabby — while I. Heeney added 126. Catslee fought valiantly with Z. Butters contributing 108, J. Davey scoring 100, and T. Taranto chipping in, but 25 points is 25 points and Stabby moves to 4-0. The only undefeated team in the competition, and looking more legitimate by the week.
The Diamond Zwerves finally remembered how to win a game of fantasy football, defeating Wominjeka Warriros 1196-1054. Wominjeka's C. Serong captained for 248 in a losing effort, but Al's squad was crippled by an avalanche of bench DNPs — L. Whitfield, C. Oliver, J. Macrae, J. Ugle-Hagan, and H. McCluggage all failed to contribute from the interchange. When five bench players score zero and your opponent has J. Newcombe scoring 154 and L. Jackson adding 97 from the ruck, the numbers simply don't add up. Al falls to 1-3 alongside Spongi's Catslee — both staring up at ten teams above them.
And then there's Maddiekarp. Oh, Maddiekarp. Projected 1191 against KP's projected 987. A 204-point projected advantage. This was supposed to be the week. The projections said Maddie would cruise. The form guide said Maddie was due. The universe itself appeared to be offering an olive branch. Instead, the universe offered an olive branch and then set it on fire. KP's S. Darcy scored 188 from the forward line. B. Grundy added 137 from the ruck. D. Houston contributed 106. R. Bice chipped in 108. Suddenly, 'projected 987' became 'actual 1184' and Maddie's season went from 'concerning' to 'genuinely historic.' T. English scored 102 as captain — fine. K. Pickett scored 98 — fine. J. Noble scored 94 — fine. Everything about Maddiekarp's team is fine. And somehow, four rounds into the season, fine equals 0-4. Four losses in a row. She's scored 1223, 1170, 1165, and now 1070 — an average of 1157, which would place her 7th in the league by average score. Instead, she's 12th. Dead last. Maddiekarp is the fantasy football equivalent of a student who studies hard, shows up prepared, brings two pens to the exam, and then the exam is in a language she doesn't speak.
All coaches were made available for questions. Most of them should not have been.
Q: Tom, three wins from four. 1320. B. Smith captained for 248. Second on the ladder. Is this the greatest comeback story in Shiva Bowl history?
“It's the greatest comeback story in the history of sport. I was 12th after Round 1. Twelfth. People wrote eulogies for my season. Now I'm second on the ladder and B. Smith is scoring 248 in his sleep. The prophecy doesn't just unfold — it unfolds aggressively, like origami in reverse.”
Q: K. Coleman, M. Kennedy, and R. Sanders all scored exactly 109. That's statistically remarkable.
“Three players. 109 each. The holy trinity of consistent excellence. I didn't even need to rely on one massive score — I had B. Smith doing the heavy lifting and three blokes synchronising like a fantasy football boy band behind him. That's depth. That's culture.”
Q: Charlie's M. Holmes scored 216 as captain and still lost. Do you feel for Charlie?
“I feel for anyone who has to face B. Smith in his current form. Charlie scored 1222, which is a good score. But 'good' doesn't beat 'Tom is Team' anymore. I've transcended good. I'm in the business of being better.”
Q: Second on the ladder behind Stabby. Do you see yourself catching Marc?
“Marc's 4-0. I'm 3-1. One game separates us. One game and the certainty that B. Smith will continue to score like a man possessed. I was 12th four weeks ago. Second now. First by Round 8. Write it down.”
Q: Charlie, M. Holmes scored 216 as captain. You scored 1222. And you still lost to Tom. How?
“B. Smith happened. 248 points from one man. I did everything right — Holmes was excellent, my team showed up — and then Tom's B. Smith decided that 248 was a reasonable number for a human to score. I scored 1222 and I'm the loser. In any other matchup this round, 1222 wins comfortably.”
Q: Tom was projected 1119 and scored 1320. A 201-point overperformance. Did the projections let you down?
“The projections told me I was favoured. I believed the projections. The projections lied. B. Smith was projected 214 and scored 248. K. Coleman was projected somewhere reasonable and scored 109. Everyone on Tom's team decided to exceed expectations simultaneously. I'd like a word with whoever builds these models.”
Q: L. Neale scored 119 in your midfield. S. Berry scored 74 while her opponent had a DNP. Not enough support?
“My team scored 1222. TWELVE. TWENTY-TWO. In any normal round, that's a comfortable win. This was not a normal round. This was the round B. Smith decided 248 was appropriate and three of Tom's players synchronised on exactly 109 like some kind of fantasy football boy band.”
Q: 2-2 and fifth on the ladder. The blockbuster season narrative is wobbling.
“It's not wobbling, it's recalibrating. Every franchise has a setback. Round 4 was mine. I'll bounce back. CharlieGuerno doesn't stay down. The debut statement from Round 1 still stands — this is a team that can beat anyone on its day. Today just wasn't my day because B. Smith exists.”
Q: Claire, you beat Cotton On despite N. Daicos posting a DNP. Your best player didn't play and you still won. That's remarkable.
“It's called depth. It's called squad management. It's called W. Ashcroft scoring 254 as captain and every single one of my players deciding that N. Daicos' absence was an opportunity, not a crisis. Four players cracked the ton. This isn't a one-man team anymore.”
Q: W. Ashcroft with 254. C. Daniel 115. L. Morris 103. T. Sparrow 102. Four centuries in one round.
“Four centuries. Without Daicos. Let that sink in. Last round I needed Daicos to score 280 to beat Cotton On's projected total. This round I didn't even need him. W. Ashcroft was transcendent. The lowercase is building something here.”
Q: Cotton On was projected 1283 and scored 1142. H. Sheezel was held to 102 after back-to-back 270+ scores. Did you target him specifically?
“I'd love to claim tactical genius but I have literally no control over what H. Sheezel scores. He scored 102, which is still a ton. It's just not 272. Sometimes the fantasy gods giveth and sometimes they taketh, and this week they took from Jackson and gave to the lowercase.”
Q: Two wins in a row. 2-2 overall. The lowercase is trending up.
“The lowercase has momentum. Back-to-back wins after an 0-2 start. From dead in the water to back at .500 with a squad that can win without its best player. The lowercase doesn't panic. The lowercase adapts.”
Q: Jackson, projected 1283, scored 1142. H. Sheezel held to 102. Claire beat you without Daicos. This is a bad one.
“It's a bad one. I'll own it. We were projected to win comfortably and instead W. Ashcroft personally dismantled my season with 254 points. H. Sheezel scored 102 — still a ton — but after 272 and 256, that's a 154-point drop from the average. We underperformed and Claire overperformed. Simple as that.”
Q: Claire won without N. Daicos. Does that sting more than a regular loss?
“It stings enormously. Their best player didn't play and they still beat us by 74 points. That means Claire's B-team is better than my A-team this week. That's a sentence I never wanted to say and I'm furious that I just said it.”
Q: Still the highest points for in the league at 5029. Does that console you?
“It consoles me in the same way that being told 'you're the smartest person who failed the exam' consoles you. Points for don't win trophies. Wins do. And right now I have two wins and two losses, which is the definition of mediocrity. Cotton On Contributions is not a mediocre franchise.”
Q: 2-2 and fourth. Two losses in a row now. Is Cotton On slipping?
“Cotton On doesn't slip. Cotton On recalibrates. Two losses is a hiccup. It's not a pattern. H. Sheezel will bounce back. The squad will bounce back. We're still fourth and we still have the most points for in the league. The foundations are solid even if the last two rounds have been earthquakes.”
Q: Anna, from 785 last round to 1203 this round. M. Bontempelli captained for 260. The Angels are back.
“The Angels never left. The Angels were on a bye-enforced holiday last round and I refuse to discuss the 785 any further. The Bont scored 260 points. Two sixty. That's a man who woke up and chose violence against the concept of losing. The highest individual score of the round belongs to Anna's Angels15.”
Q: M. Gawn scored 241 for Mitch in the opposing ruck. A captain vs captain battle for the ages.
“M. Gawn scored 241 and I have enormous respect for that. But the Bont scored 260 and respect doesn't close a 19-point gap. My captain outscored his captain and my team outscored his team by 130. Captain battles are won by whoever has the bigger number, and the bigger number belongs to me.”
Q: 2-2 now. Back to .500 after the bye catastrophe.
“We're .500. Perfectly balanced. The bye round was a freak event — 785 is not who we are. 1203 is who we are. The Bont is who we are. This team has the ceiling of a top-four side when the byes aren't destroying our roster.”
Q: A. Brayshaw also scored 103. The midfield looks strong.
“Brayshaw 103, the Bont 260. That's 363 from two midfielders. When your midfield is putting up those numbers, you're going to win more games than you lose. The Angels are flying again and the turbulence is behind us.”
Q: Mitch, M. Gawn scored 241 as captain. Z. Merrett added 122. And you still lost 1073-1203. What happened?
“M. Bontempelli happened. 260 points from one player. Gawn scored 241 and I'm immensely proud of that performance, but when the Bont is scoring 260 on the other side, 241 is second place. And second place in a head-to-head matchup is called losing.”
Q: Two straight losses now. From 2-0 to 2-2. The quiet start is getting very noisy.
“830 last week due to byes, 1073 this week against an inspired opponent. Two different types of loss. Last week I couldn't field a team. This week I could, and the Bont rendered it irrelevant. Two different problems, same result.”
Q: Do you feel the 2-0 start was perhaps misleading about your team's quality?
“No. The 2-0 start was accurate. The 2-2 record is a blip caused by byes and the Bont. I still have M. Gawn, who just scored 241. I still have Z. Merrett, who scored 122. One or two results going differently and I'm sitting at 3-1 or 4-0. The quality is there. The luck is not.”
Q: M. Gawn 241, Z. Merrett 122. Your spine is elite. Is the issue around them?
“The spine is rock solid. Gawn and Merrett are two of the best players in this league. The issue is that when M. Bontempelli decides to score 260 on the other side, even elite isn't enough. I need my role players to step up in the weeks my stars are being matched by someone else's stars.”
Q: Maddie. 0-4. You were projected to win by 204 points. You lost by 114. Where do we even begin?
“We begin at the beginning, which is Round 1, where I lost. And then Round 2, where I lost. And then Round 3, where I lost. And now Round 4, where — and I hope you're sitting down for this — I also lost. Four in a row. I've lost four in a row. I wanted it mentioned and now I want it unmentioned. It's too late for that, isn't it?”
Q: It is far too late for that. You were projected 1191 vs KP's projected 987. A 204-point advantage. How does someone lose from there?
“How? I'll tell you how. S. Darcy scores 188 out of absolutely nowhere. B. Grundy scores 137 like he's personally offended by the concept of me winning a game. My projected 1191 becomes an actual 1070 because apparently projections are suggestions and the suggestion for my team was 'do less.' I am cursed. I am genuinely, provably, mathematically cursed.”
Q: T. English scored 102 as captain. K. Pickett added 98. J. Noble scored 94. Your team is... fine?
“My team is FINE. That's the worst part! My team is persistently, relentlessly, agonisingly fine! Nobody had a terrible game. Nobody posted a shameful DNP. Nobody let me down in a way I can point to and scream about. They all just scored... enough to lose. Enough to lose by exactly enough that I can't even blame anyone. I just have to blame the universe, and the universe has stopped returning my calls.”
Q: You specifically asked for your four consecutive losses to be mentioned throughout this entire article. Any regrets about that request?
“I have many regrets. Asking for the four losses to be mentioned is approximately my fifth-biggest regret, behind losing each of the four games. But you know what? Lean into it. 0-4. Say it again. 0-4. It doesn't even hurt anymore. It's gone past hurt into a kind of numb acceptance, like when you've been standing in cold water so long your feet stop tingling and you just... exist in the cold. That's me. I exist in the cold of 0-4.”
Q: Your average score of 1157 would place you 7th in the league by average. But you're 12th. How do you reconcile those numbers?
“I don't reconcile them. They're irreconcilable. I score enough to beat half the league every week and then I draw the one team that scores more. It's like being the second-fastest person in every race you enter. Silver medals don't count in fantasy football. They just count against my will to live.”
Q: Last question. Can you win a game of fantasy football?
“I... I think so? I used to be able to. In theory, I understand how winning works. You score more than the other person. I've seen other people do it. Claire did it without her best player this week. Tom does it every week now. I've scored 1223, 1170, 1165, and 1070 — three of those scores would have beaten at least two other teams that same week. I just keep drawing the one team that decides to have their best week against me. It's like playing musical chairs except every time the music stops, someone removes my chair specifically. So yes, I can win. Probably. Eventually. Ask me again when I'm 0-5.”
Q: KP, 1184 off a projected 987. S. Darcy scored 188. B. Grundy added 137. You were supposed to lose this one.
“I was 'supposed to lose' according to algorithms that don't understand the raw, chaotic energy of Lachie Neale's Divorce Lawyer. S. Darcy and B. Grundy combined for 325 from ruck and forward. Projections are for teams that play predictably. We play unpredictably. That's our superpower.”
Q: R. Bice scored 108 and D. Houston added 106 in defence. Your back line was outstanding.
“Two defenders over 100 is a luxury. R. Bice and D. Houston are the foundation of this team and they delivered. When your defenders outscore your opponent's midfield, you know you've had a good day at the office. The back line won us this game.”
Q: 3-1 and third on the ladder. Two wins in a row after the Stabby loss.
“The Stabby loss was a character-building exercise. We've built the character. Two straight wins, 3-1, third on the table. Only Stabby and Tom are above us, and we've already shown we can compete with anyone. KP recalibrated and KP delivered.”
Q: You were projected 987 and scored 1184. A 197-point overperformance. What changed?
“S. Darcy changed. B. Grundy changed. The projections had us written off and my players took that personally. 197 points above projection is a statement. It says 'stop underestimating Lachie Neale's Divorce Lawyer.' The maths said we'd lose. The maths was wrong. KP doesn't do projections. KP does results.”
Q: Marc, 4-0. The perfect start continues. But 1165-1140 — that was the closest game of the round. Did Catslee scare you?
“Nothing scares a 4-0 team. A 25-point margin is still a margin. D. Zorko scored 232 as captain for the third consecutive round of captain centuries. The man is a machine. Winning is winning, whether it's by 25 or 250.”
Q: I. Heeney scored 126 in your midfield. Your team is deep.
“My team is deep, consistent, and unbeatable. Four rounds, four wins. Zorko, Heeney, Berry — the band plays on. Catslee pushed us this week and I respect that. But respect and an L is all they got.”
Q: Only 25 points separated you from Catslee. Is the dominance narrative cracking?
“The narrative is fine. I won by 25. Any positive margin is a win. I don't need to win by 200 when winning by 25 gets me to 4-0. Style points are for teams that aren't already perfect. Show me another undefeated team in this league. You can't.”
Q: D. Zorko has now captained for 190, 232, and 232 in the last three rounds. Is he the league's most valuable player?
“D. Zorko is the league's most valuable player and it's not particularly close. Three consecutive captain centuries. 654 captain points in three rounds. The man is a cheat code and I found him first. That's called drafting. That's called genius. That's called 4-0.”
Q: Spongi, 1140. Lost by 25 to the league's only undefeated team. That's got to sting after the 1396 last week.
“It stings like a paper cut soaked in lemon juice. I scored 1396 last week and 1140 this week. That's a 256-point drop. But I was within 25 points of a 4-0 team, which means I was within 25 points of perfection. If one player scores five more points, we're talking about the upset of the season.”
Q: Z. Butters scored 108, J. Davey added 100. Your team competed but the depth wasn't there.
“The depth was better than Round 2 when I scored 376. I've scored 376, 513, 1396, and 1140. My season is a rollercoaster that occasionally derails, catches fire, and then somehow gets back on the tracks. 1140 is respectable. It's just not enough when Zorko scores 232.”
Q: 1-3 now. You and Wominjeka are both 1-3. The bottom half is getting crowded.
“1-3 is not where I want to be. But I proved last week I can score 1396, and this week I proved I can push the best team in the league to a 25-point margin. The talent is there. The consistency is not. That's fixable.”
Q: D. Zorko scored 232 against you. That's the third week in a row he's been devastating as captain.
“D. Zorko is a menace. Three weeks of captain hundreds from one player is absurd. I lost by 25 points and Zorko alone accounted for more than double my margin of defeat. Ban him. I'm only half joking. Actually, I'm not joking at all. Ban D. Zorko from The Shiva Bowl.”
Q: Zwerve! A win! Your first since Round 1! 1196-1054 over Wominjeka. The drought is over!
“THE DROUGHT IS OVER! Two losses in a row and people were starting to talk. People were writing obituaries for my season. Well, the obituary has been retracted. 1196 points. A win. 2-2. The Diamond Zwerves are ALIVE.”
Q: J. Newcombe scored 154 from midfield. A. Roberts contributed 136 from the bench. Your depth stood up.
“Newcombe — 154. Enormous. Roberts — 136 from the interchange. That's 290 from two players, one of whom wasn't even starting. This is what happens when The Diamond Zwerves actually have a full squad. We zwerve in the right direction.”
Q: 2-2 now after the two-game losing streak. Back on track?
“Back on track. The losing streak taught me humility and humility taught me to appreciate a 1196-point performance. Two straight losses followed by a win — that's called a redemption arc. Ask Tom, he knows all about those.”
Q: Wominjeka had C. Serong score 248 and still lost. Is this league cursed for certain players?
“C. Serong scored 248 and Al still lost. That's brutal. When your captain scores 248 and you still lose, the problem isn't the captain — it's the five bench players scoring zero. Al had a knife at a gunfight and the knife was also on fire. I feel for him. But not enough to give back the win.”
Q: Al, C. Serong scored 248 as captain. And you lost. Again. 1054-1196. What's happening to Wominjeka?
“What's happening is that I have five bench players scoring zero while my captain scores 248 in a losing cause. L. Whitfield — DNP. C. Oliver — DNP. J. Macrae — DNP. J. Ugle-Hagan — DNP. H. McCluggage — DNP. Five zeros. Five! My captain put the team on his back and my bench stabbed him in it.”
Q: Five bench DNPs. That's catastrophic depth failure.
“Catastrophic is the right word. Serong scored 248 and we still scored only 1054. Remove the five zeros and I'm playing with essentially 13 contributors. You can't win a game of fantasy football with 13 players when the other team has a full squad scoring 1196. It's like bringing a knife to a gunfight, except the knife is also broken.”
Q: 1-3 now, 11th on the ladder. The bottom of the table is getting uncomfortable.
“11th is not where the butterfly was supposed to be at this point in the season. But I scored 248 from my captain and lost because five bench players gave me nothing. Fix the bench, fix the season. The starting squad is competitive — I just need the other half of my roster to remember they're supposed to play football.”
Q: The butterfly metaphor. We haven't mentioned it in a while. Where is the butterfly?
“The butterfly is in a cocoon. Again. The butterfly has been in a cocoon for three weeks. At this point, the butterfly might be dead. Or it might be transforming into something beautiful. Or it might just be sitting in a cocoon waiting for the byes to end so it can actually field a full squad. The butterfly needs bench players, not metaphors.”
| # | Team | W | L | D | PF | PA | % |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Stabby Chatfields | 4 | 0 | 0 | 4033 | 3702 | 108.9 |
| 2 | Tom is Team | 3 | 1 | 0 | 4151 | 3869 | 107.3 |
| 3 | Lachie Neale's Divorce Lawyer | 3 | 1 | 0 | 4881 | 4684 | 104.2 |
| 4 | Cotton On Contributions | 2 | 2 | 0 | 5029 | 4494 | 111.9 |
| 5 | CharlieGuerno | 2 | 2 | 0 | 4817 | 4625 | 104.2 |
| 6 | claire | 2 | 2 | 0 | 3988 | 3963 | 100.6 |
| 7 | The Diamond Zwerves | 2 | 2 | 0 | 4887 | 5002 | 97.7 |
| 8 | MitchWhite | 2 | 2 | 0 | 4300 | 4528 | 95.0 |
| 9 | Anna's Angels15 | 2 | 2 | 0 | 4532 | 4851 | 93.4 |
| 10 | Catslee Spinning | 1 | 3 | 0 | 4049 | 4089 | 99.0 |
| 11 | Wominjeka Warriros | 1 | 3 | 0 | 4480 | 4840 | 92.6 |
| 12 | 🚨Maddiekarp | 0 | 4 | 0 | 4628 | 5128 | 90.2 |