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Byes turn fantasy into farce. Catslee finally wins. Diamond Zwerves still committed to losing.
There is a special kind of despair reserved for coaches who do everything reasonably well and still find themselves at the bottom of the ladder with zero wins from three attempts. Maddiekarp scored 1165 this round — a perfectly respectable total that would have beaten four other teams this week. Instead, Maddie drew claire, whose N. Daicos decided to score 280 points like a man with a personal vendetta against the number zero next to Maddiekarp's win column. F. Callaghan's captain score of 232 was heroic. O. Wines' DNP was not. The universe continues to conspire against Maddie with the precision of a targeted military operation, and at 0-3 with a percentage of 90.2%, Maddiekarp is the best team in the league that cannot win a game of fantasy football.
Round 3 of The Shiva Bowl was supposed to be the week where things normalised. After the Gladiator Mode chaos of Round 2 — where Tom won at zero percent, Z. Butters scored 288, and two teams fielded four players between them — Round 3 was meant to be a return to order. Full rosters. Proper matchups. Adults playing a game designed for adults. Instead, the bye rounds struck again like a biblical plague, half the league fielded skeleton crews, and B. Smith scored 308 points for Tom is Team in what sources close to the situation are describing as 'absolutely cooked.' The byes — those wonderful weeks where AFL teams have a week off and fantasy coaches have a nervous breakdown — claimed victims across the board. Anna's Angels15 scored 785, the lowest score we've seen from a team that was actually trying. MitchWhite managed 830 with only 11 players contributing. Wominjeka had C. Rozee and H. McCluggage posting DNPs in their starting lineup. Even Stabby Chatfields, the league's only undefeated team, had E. Richards, N. Watson, and M. Redman sitting idle on the bench. Nobody was safe. Some were just less unsafe than others.
The headline act was B. Smith's 308-point captain's performance for Tom is Team, which carried Tom to a 1197-1011 victory over Wominjeka Warriros and pushed Tom to a genuinely shocking 2-1 start. For context, B. Smith alone outscored Wominjeka's entire forward line (167 combined) by himself with 141 points to spare. Al's Wominjeka had S. Walsh putting up a captain's 210 and L. Whitfield contributing 129 from defence, but the bye-ravaged squad couldn't overcome the gaping holes left by five bench players on bye, C. Rozee's DNP, and a forward line that mustered just 20 from N. Balta. The butterfly is not refuelling. The butterfly is on life support.
But perhaps the most significant result of Round 3 — in scenes described as 'emotional' by absolutely no one except Spongi — was Catslee Spinning finally, mercifully, winning a game. L. Davies-Uniacke's captain score of 250 spearheaded a 1396-1186 demolition of The Diamond Zwerves, who appear to have formally abandoned their strategy of winning games. Zwerve's squad actually put up a fight — J. Caldwell scored 172, J. Rachele added 114, L. Parker chipped in 135 — but when your opponent's captain is scoring 250 and three of his teammates crack the century, it's over before it started. The Diamond Zwerves have now lost two straight after that fairy-tale Round 1 upset, and industry insiders suggest Zwerve may be exploring whether it's legal to play fantasy football under a different name. Meanwhile, Catslee climbs to 7th and Spongi can finally look his reflection in the eye.
Elsewhere, claire — lowercase, proud, and riding N. Daicos' captain score of 280 — recorded her first win of the season with a 1318-1165 thumping of Maddiekarp, who becomes the first and only team at 0-3. Maddie's F. Callaghan scored a captain's 232, which would normally be headline material, except N. Daicos decided that 280 was a more appropriate number and Maddie's O. Wines picked the worst possible moment to post a DNP. Cotton On Contributions continued their season of extreme scores, putting up 1279 against a bye-devastated Anna's Angels (785), with H. Sheezel's captain 272 leading the charge. Anna's roster was so ravaged by byes that our correspondent on the ground reports several of her starting players were last seen sipping cocktails in the Bahamas rather than playing AFL football. CharlieGuerno beat MitchWhite 1131-830 in what amounted to a matchup between a team that showed up and a team that literally couldn't — Mitch had only 11 players available, with A. Treloar, J. Darling, J. Gunston, B. Humphrey, and half his bench enjoying the bye round. And at the top of the ladder, Marc's Stabby Chatfields moved to 3-0 — the only undefeated team in the competition — with a 1295-1121 victory over Lachie Neale's Divorce Lawyer. D. Zorko's captain 190 and J. Berry's 132 proved too much for a KP side that saw Z. Butters come back to earth with a relatively mortal 172 after last week's otherworldly 288. Three rounds in and Stabby is the only team that hasn't lost. Somewhere, the projections are weeping.
All coaches were made available for questions. Most of them should not have been.
Q: Tom, two wins from three. B. Smith scored 308. You're fourth on the ladder. Is this real life?
“This is extremely real life. People keep asking me that, like they expect me to wake up in a hospital bed and be told I've been in a coma since Round 1. B. Smith scored 308 points. That's not a dream, that's a mandate. That's the universe course-correcting after years of injustice.”
Q: 308 from one player. That's the highest individual score of the round by a considerable margin.
“B. Smith woke up on Saturday morning and took it personally. I don't know what Wominjeka did to offend him, but 308 is the kind of score that should come with a formal apology from the opposition. I've already drafted one on Al's behalf.”
Q: You also had C. Mills on bye and five bench players unavailable. This was a B. Smith solo carry.
“Leadership. When your captain scores 308, it doesn't matter that half your bench is on holiday. J. Sinclair came off the bench for 106 as well because that's what my players do — they show up. Unlike certain defenders from certain bye-affected teams whose names rhyme with Shmills.”
Q: Fourth on the ladder. You were 12th two weeks ago. The redemption arc continues.
“I prefer 'the prophecy unfolds.' Redemption implies I did something wrong. I didn't do anything wrong. The league just needed three rounds to recognise my genius. Fourth is a waypoint, not a destination. The destination is first. The vehicle is B. Smith.”
Q: Al, 1011. Tom beat you. B. Smith scored 308 against your entire squad. Debrief.
“I'd like to debrief, but there's nothing left to debrief. B. Smith scored 308 points. My entire forward line scored 167 combined. One man outscored four of my players with 141 to spare. That's not a debrief, that's a crime scene.”
Q: S. Walsh scored a captain's 210. L. Whitfield had 129. You had moments.
“Moments! Yes! Beautiful, isolated moments surrounded by a sea of zeros and DNPs. C. Rozee — DNP. H. McCluggage — DNP. Five bench players on bye. I fielded a midfield and some suggestions of a team. Walsh was magnificent and it meant absolutely nothing.”
Q: N. Balta scored 20 in your forward line. Twenty.
“N. Balta scored the same number of points as my age when I first started understanding disappointment. Twenty points is what happens when the bye gods look at your team sheet and laugh. I'm not angry at Balta. I'm angry at the concept of byes existing.”
Q: 1-2 now, 9th on the ladder. Two straight losses. The butterfly metaphor is getting stretched thin.
“The butterfly is in its cocoon phase. Again. Butterflies can do that — they go back into the cocoon for a bit when they've been beaten by a man whose captain scored 308 points. It's a well-documented phenomenon. Look it up.”
Q: Jackson, 1279 and another comfortable win. H. Sheezel captained for 272. Cotton On rolls on.
“We don't just roll, we steamroll. H. Sheezel — 272. Captain's knock. Last week he scored 256 in a non-captain role and I thought 'how can this man possibly get better?' Turns out you give him the armband and he gets 16 points better. Science.”
Q: Anna's scored 785. Did you feel the byes made this an unfair contest?
“Fantasy football is inherently unfair. That's the beauty of it. Anna's squad was ravaged by byes and I sympathise deeply. But sympathy doesn't show up on the ladder. 1279 does. We back up the 1393 from last week with 1279 this week. Cotton On Contributions is now a points-scoring factory and business is booming.”
Q: You're second on the ladder at 2-1 with the highest points for in the league at 3887.
“3887 through three rounds. That's an average of nearly 1300 per round. Nobody else is even close. The only thing stopping me from being 3-0 is the Round 1 loss, which I have formally stricken from the record.”
Q: H. Sheezel has now scored 272 and 256 in back-to-back rounds. Is he the league's best player?
“He's not just the league's best player. He's my best player, which is more important. H. Sheezel is doing things that should require a licence. Two consecutive weeks above 250. If he keeps this up I'm going to start paying him royalties.”
Q: Anna, 785. That's the lowest score of the round by a significant margin. What happened?
“Byes happened. The AFL schedule happened. Half my squad decided to take a holiday at the same time and the other half decided to join them spiritually by scoring 21 points. I. Rankine, I'm looking at you.”
Q: R. Laird didn't play. Multiple bench players on bye. You were fielding a skeleton crew.
“A skeleton crew is generous. Skeletons have structure. This was more like a suggestion of a team. A rough outline. A Post-it note that says 'we tried' stuck to an empty locker room.”
Q: I. Rankine scored 21 points. Twenty-one. In a round where your team needed every point it could get.
“I. Rankine scored 21 points and I have asked my legal team whether it's possible to sue a fantasy football player for emotional distress. The answer is no. I checked.”
Q: 1-2 and 11th on the ladder. The Angels have fallen.
“The Angels haven't fallen. The Angels are experiencing turbulence. Every flight has turbulence. The important thing is that the captain — that's me — still has both hands on the controls and a vague idea of where the runway is. We'll be fine. Probably.”
Q: Claire, your first win! 1318! N. Daicos with a captain's 280! How does it feel?
“It feels like oxygen. I've been holding my breath for three weeks and N. Daicos just performed CPR on my season. 280 points. Two hundred and eighty. From one man. I could cry. I might be crying. This interview is over if anyone checks.”
Q: N. Daicos scored 280 as captain. W. Ashcroft added 120. Your midfield was sensational.
“My midfield was a symphony. N. Daicos was the first violin. W. Ashcroft was the cello. Everyone else was the supporting brass section playing slightly out of tune but making beautiful noise regardless. 1318 total. That's more than I scored in the first two rounds combined.”
Q: You beat Maddiekarp, who is now 0-3. Were you motivated by the idea of not being the worst team anymore?
“I was motivated by the idea of winning a single game of fantasy football before the heat death of the universe. The fact that it comes at Maddie's expense is... well, it's unfortunate for Maddie but deeply, profoundly, spiritually satisfying for me.”
Q: The lowercase 'claire' scored the second-highest total of the round. Capital letter incoming?
“The lowercase stays. It's my identity now. When N. Daicos scores 280, you don't change the things that got you there. The lowercase is superstition. The lowercase is power. The lowercase is 1-2 and climbing.”
Q: Maddie, 0-3. First in Shiva Bowl history. F. Callaghan scored 232 as captain and you still lost. Process that.
“I cannot process that. 232 from my captain should be enough to win any game in any league in any universe. Instead, N. Daicos scored 280 and I'm 0-3 and apparently making history for all the wrong reasons. This is the worst kind of famous.”
Q: O. Wines was in your starting midfield and scored a DNP. Zero points from a starting slot.
“O. Wines chose violence. Not the scoring kind — the 'let Maddie down in the most catastrophic way possible' kind. A DNP from a starting midfielder is not a performance, it's a resignation letter. And I didn't even get two weeks notice.”
Q: You've now been competitive in all three rounds — 1223, 1170, 1165 — and lost all three. You're the best 0-3 team in history.
“Thank you for that deeply unhelpful observation. 'Best 0-3 team in history' is not a trophy anyone wants. It's the fantasy football equivalent of winning 'most improved' at a school awards night. It means nothing. It means less than nothing. It means I'm good at losing respectably.”
Q: Last on the ladder. The dunce cap is yours now. Thoughts?
“The dunce cap doesn't fit. It was made for teams that score 785 or 830. I scored 1165. I demand a recount, a tribunal, and a formal investigation into why N. Daicos is allowed to score 280 points specifically when he's playing against me.”
Q: Charlie, back to winning ways. M. Holmes captained for 222. MitchWhite never stood a chance with only 11 players.
“I don't care how many players Mitch had. I care that M. Holmes scored 222 and my team showed up. Was Mitch severely handicapped by byes? Absolutely. Do I feel bad about exploiting that? Absolutely not. This is The Shiva Bowl, not a charity.”
Q: 1131 is your lowest score of the season. Are you concerned?
“My lowest score of the season is still 1131. Charlie's floor is another team's ceiling. I'll take a quiet 1131 that results in a win over a loud 1323 any day of the week. Actually, I'd prefer the 1323 with a win. But I'll take what I can get.”
Q: 2-1 and third on the ladder. The Round 1 debut statement is holding up.
“The debut wasn't a fluke. It was a trailer. Round 1 was the blockbuster opening. Round 2 was the difficult second act. Round 3 is the return to form. By Round 10 this franchise will be in the conversation for greatest Shiva Bowl team ever assembled.”
Q: Next up you'll face someone who probably has more than 11 available players. Ready for a real test?
“Every test is a real test when you're CharlieGuerno. But yes, I acknowledge that beating a team missing a third of its roster is not exactly the stuff of legend. I'll enjoy this win quietly and prepare for something sterner.”
Q: Mitch, 830 points. Only 11 players available. The byes absolutely gutted your team.
“Gutted doesn't cover it. The byes performed surgery on my roster without anaesthetic. A. Treloar — bye. J. Darling — didn't play. J. Gunston — bye. B. Humphrey — bye. Half my bench — bye. I fielded what was technically a legal team and technically lost. That's technically all I have to say.”
Q: You dropped from 2-0 and second on the ladder to 2-1 and sixth. The quiet start is getting noisy for the wrong reasons.
“One bad week. One bye-ravaged, roster-decimated, player-depleted bad week. I was 2-0 because I'm good. I'm 2-1 because the AFL fixture is a conspiracy against my specific roster. These are different things.”
Q: S. Sidebottom scored 110 in your mids. That was almost your lone bright spot.
“Sidebottom was excellent. He showed up. He was one of approximately four people who showed up. P. Cripps also contributed 110 from Charlie's side, which — wait, that's not helping my case. Sidebottom. 110. Hero. The end.”
Q: Any concerns about the fixture going forward? More byes to come.
“I'm choosing not to think about future byes. I'm choosing to believe that this was a one-off catastrophe and that my roster will never again be simultaneously destroyed by the AFL schedule. If I'm wrong, I'll deal with it then. For now, I'm going to bed.”
Q: Marc, 3-0. The only undefeated team in the league. D. Zorko captained for 190. Is Stabby Chatfields legitimate?
“Legitimate? I've won three games. Three. Without losing. That's called a perfect record. That's called legitimacy. The people who doubted me after I won Round 2 with two players can formally retract their doubt now that I've won Round 3 with a full squad.”
Q: 1295 is your highest score of the season. This is the first time you've fielded a complete team.
“And look what happens when Stabby Chatfields actually has players. 1295. Zorko 190 as captain. J. Berry 132. L. Parker — wait, that's Lachie's side. My point is: when my team is at full strength, we're terrifying. When we're at half strength, we still win. The maths is maths.”
Q: You beat KP's Lachie Neale's Divorce Lawyer, last round's giant-killers. Z. Butters scored 172 and it wasn't enough.
“Z. Butters scored 172 and lost. Last week he scored 288 and won. The difference? Last week he wasn't playing me. This week he was. I am the correction factor. I am the regression to the mean. Butters is merely human when Stabby Chatfields is in the building.”
Q: First on the ladder with a percentage of 112%. When does the target on your back start to worry you?
“Targets are for teams that can be hit. I am 3-0. I am unhittable. The target is decorative.”
Q: KP, 1121. Z. Butters came back to earth with 172. Stabby was too strong. First loss of the season.
“First loss. First. As in, it hasn't happened before. As in, I have two wins and one loss, which is a record most coaches in this league would sell organs for. Z. Butters scored 172, which is apparently 'coming back to earth.' 172 from a single player is 'earth.' This league has lost perspective.”
Q: Butters went from 288 last round to 172 this round. A 116-point drop. Regression?
“Regression is scoring 80. Scoring 172 is still elite. The man dropped 116 points and still outscored most coaches' entire midfields. Regression is a concept for normal players. Butters is not a normal player. He had a quiet 172 and I'm expected to apologise for it.”
Q: You had multiple bench players on bye — S. Darcy, J. Scrimshaw, R. Bice, B. Grundy all unavailable.
“The byes took my depth. Without depth, 1121 is what you get. With depth, I'm scoring 1300+. I know this because maths exists and I've done it. The AFL fixture is a personal attack on every competitive Shiva Bowl coach.”
Q: 2-1 and fifth on the ladder. Still a strong position.
“Very strong. Extremely strong. One loss to the only undefeated team in the league does not define a season. It defines a week. And this week is over. KP doesn't dwell. KP recalibrates.”
Q: Spongi. A win. An actual, genuine, real win. 1396 points. L. Davies-Uniacke scored 250 as captain. How long have you been waiting for this moment?
“Three weeks. Three agonising, humiliating, dunce-cap-wearing weeks. L. Davies-Uniacke scored 250 and I fell to my knees in the living room. My partner thought something was wrong. Something was wrong — for three weeks. Now something is right. 1396. That's the highest score in the entire round. THE HIGHEST. Catslee Spinning is not just winning, we're winning the biggest.”
Q: 1396 is the round's highest score. T. Stewart scored 109 in defence. J. Treacy added 120 from the forwards. The whole team showed up.
“Everyone showed up because everyone was tired of being a punchline. J. Burgoyne 100 from defence. T. Taranto 114. H. Thomas 100. This isn't a team, it's an uprising. We rose from the ashes of 376 points and zero percent win probability like a glorious, spinning phoenix.”
Q: You beat The Diamond Zwerves, who scored 1186. That's not a bad score — you just outgunned them.
“Zwerve scored 1186 and lost. Last week I scored 376 and lost. The difference is L. Davies-Uniacke deciding to score 250 points and single-handedly restore my dignity. I would like to formally apologise to everyone who wrote me off. Actually, no. I would like to formally NOT apologise. You all doubted me and you were all wrong.”
Q: From 0-2 and dead last to 1-2 and seventh. The Spongi era begins?
“The Spongi era began in Round 1. It just took three weeks for the era to start producing results. Consider Rounds 1 and 2 the preseason. Round 3 is the real season. And in the real season, Spongi is undefeated.”
Q: Zwerve, another loss. 1186 against Catslee's 1396. The Diamond Zwerves appear to have formally abandoned the strategy of winning games.
“I have not abandoned any strategies. Strategies have abandoned me. I scored 1186 — that's a good score. That beats most teams this round. Instead I drew the one team that decided to score 1396 for the first time in their miserable existence. L. Davies-Uniacke scored 250 against me. Last week it was Z. Butters with 288. I am a magnet for career-best performances from opposition players.”
Q: J. Caldwell scored 172 for you. J. Rachele added 114. L. Parker put up 135. Three players above 114 and you still lost.
“Three players above 114 and we still lost by 210 points. That's the kind of sentence that should come with a trigger warning. Caldwell was immense. Rachele was immense. Parker was immense. And it meant nothing because Catslee — CATSLEE — decided this was the week they'd score the highest total in the round. The team that scored 376 last week scored 1396 this week. Explain that. You can't. Nobody can.”
Q: You also had B. Dale DNP and five bench players on bye or unavailable. The byes hit you hard.
“B. Dale DNP'd in my starting defence. Five bench players contributed zero. I was fighting with one arm tied behind my back and the other arm being gnawed on by L. Davies-Uniacke's 250 points. It's very hard to win a game when your opponent scores 1396 and you're missing a third of your roster.”
Q: 1-2 now. Two straight losses after the fairy-tale Round 1 upset. The Zwerves are zwerving in the wrong direction.
“That's not funny. That's not even a good pun. I scored 1186 and lost. Round 1 I won from nowhere. Rounds 2 and 3 I've lost despite scoring competitive totals. The Diamond Zwerves are the most unlucky team in this league and I will accept no arguments to the contrary.”
| # | Team | W | L | D | PF | PA | % |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Stabby Chatfields | 3 | 0 | 0 | 2868 | 2562 | 111.9 |
| 2 | Cotton On Contributions | 2 | 1 | 0 | 3887 | 3278 | 118.6 |
| 3 | CharlieGuerno | 2 | 1 | 0 | 3595 | 3305 | 108.8 |
| 4 | Tom is Team | 2 | 1 | 0 | 2831 | 2647 | 107.0 |
| 5 | Lachie Neale's Divorce Lawyer | 2 | 1 | 0 | 3697 | 3614 | 102.3 |
| 6 | MitchWhite | 2 | 1 | 0 | 3227 | 3325 | 97.1 |
| 7 | Catslee Spinning | 1 | 2 | 0 | 2909 | 2924 | 99.5 |
| 8 | claire | 1 | 2 | 0 | 2772 | 2821 | 98.3 |
| 9 | Wominjeka Warriros | 1 | 2 | 0 | 3426 | 3644 | 94.0 |
| 10 | The Diamond Zwerves | 1 | 2 | 0 | 3691 | 3948 | 93.5 |
| 11 | Anna's Angels15 | 1 | 2 | 0 | 3329 | 3778 | 88.1 |
| 12 | 🚨Maddiekarp | 0 | 3 | 0 | 3558 | 3944 | 90.2 |