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Spongi captained Hollands (DNP) so Dawson VC doubled to 262. Al captained Whitfield (DNP) so McCluggage VC doubled to 146. The captain loophole, deployed by two top-eight coaches in the same round, frowned upon by everyone who didn't think of it first. Meanwhile three LEGITIMATE captains posted huge — Daicos 252, Sheezel 242, Neale 220 — and all three teams LOST. KP captained B. Grundy for the FOURTH straight week (256, 54, 322, 160) and the quietest one is his first win. Mitch wastes Gawn (C) for the fourth week and crashes to 2-9.
The MitchWhite collapse has now achieved the kind of structural integrity normally reserved for jelly. Nine straight losses. M. Gawn turned up AGAIN with 176 from the C (raw 88) — the FOURTH consecutive week of Gawn-C — joining 212, 212 and 168 in the great mausoleum of wasted ruck captains. The man has now produced 768 captain points across four rounds for Mitch and Mitch has 0 wins in those rounds. Z. Merrett 148 (V, not activated) also showed up. J. Short 122 from defence — solid. After that the wheels: A. McGrath DNP, I. Cumming DNP, J. Gunston DNP, S. Sidebottom 65 in as emergency (third week he's been emergency-sub for Mitch — the man is on retainer). G. Miers 94, H. McKay 92, B. Hardwick 92 chipped in. T. McCartin 82 fine. But the bottom of the squad collapsed: O. Wines 22, A. Treloar 77 (in emergency), B. Cook 49, T. Papley 30, J. Carroll 47. Final: 1079. Lost by 256 to KP. 2-9, last on the ladder, last on percentage (87.0%), and the gap to 11th (Maddiekarp) is now permanent geography. Gawn deserves a knighthood and a trade request. The other thirteen deserve a strongly worded email and possibly a Centrelink form.
Round 11 of The Shiva Bowl was the round two of the top eight coaches both ran the captain loophole in the same week. Spongi captained O. Hollands knowing he wouldn't play. Al captained L. Whitfield knowing he wouldn't play. Their VCs duly doubled — Dawson 262, McCluggage 146 — and both teams won. It is, in the words of the rest of the league, frowned upon. It is also, in the words of Spongi and Al specifically, 'within the rules.' Meanwhile three coaches who used their captaincy the OLD-FASHIONED way — by picking someone they actually wanted to play — got 220, 242 and 252 from their armbands and ALL THREE LOST. KP captained Grundy for the FOURTH week running, posted his quietest Grundy return of the four, and FINALLY won. The lowercase rises and falls. Welcome.
TOP OF THE TABLE. Tom is Team beat claire 1257-1144 to move to 9-2, solo first by a full game still. B. Smith 194 from the C — raw 97, doubled, the third straight week Tom has captained Smith and the third straight week it's printed a win (254 → 314 → 194). Tom also had L. Duggan 110 (from the bench, in as emergency), M. Kennedy 80 (text reads slightly higher), R. Sanders 81, J. Sinclair 101, J. Bowey 79, M. Reid 93, Z. Bailey 88, C. Mills 90, P. Curtis 77, L. Schultz 75, L. McAndrew 75. No DNPs in the starting lineup that hurt. But the headline isn't Tom — it's claire's captain. N. Daicos 252 from the C (raw 126) — claire's biggest Daicos return of the season — and claire LOST. After last week's redemption (Daicos 204 C and a W, breaking a 0-3 Daicos curse), the lowercase falls right back into the abyss. Five straight weeks of Daicos-C now reads: 270 L, 248 L, 95 L, 204 W, 252 L. The three biggest hauls all losses. The fourth-biggest (the 204) the only win. The numbers are starting to look like performance art. claire 3-8, tenth.
KP. FINALLY. The most cursed captaincy storyline in The Shiva Bowl resolved itself this week in the most aggressively ironic way the universe could engineer. Lachie Neale's Divorce Lawyer beat MitchWhite 1335-1079 — a 256-point belting — with KP captaining B. Grundy for the FOURTH straight week. Grundy's four-week sequence under the KP armband now reads: 256 (loss), 54 (loss), 322 (loss), 160 (win). The man scored 322 from the C and lost by 156. He scored 160 from the C and won by 256. KP also had D. Parish 129, T. Taranto 127, J. Horne-Francis 124, J. Crisp 108, R. Bice 104, W. Hayward 97, Z. Guthrie 83, S. Bolton 83, M. D'Ambrosio 77, M. Windhager 70, P. Lipinski 70. D. Houston 43 (V, not activated). I. Cumming DNP. A balanced demolition — KP scored over 1300 for the first time in weeks. 6-5, fifth on the ladder. The captain compliment has finally, mercifully, expired.
DIAMOND 8-3, SECOND. The Diamond Zwerves beat Maddiekarp 1273-1119. Zwerve made the call EVERYONE thought he should have made two weeks ago — he ditched L. Jackson as captain and went A. Roberts (C). It paid off: A. Roberts 212 (raw 106). L. Jackson demoted to VC, scored 93, didn't matter. Zwerve also had N. Anderson 115, L. Parker 84, J. Newcombe 66, J. Dunkley 74, L. Ryan 89, N. Newman 79, J. Peatling 76, B. Hill 77, J. Rachele 59, C. Budarick 64, J. Freijah 70 — plus L. Aleer DNP. Maddiekarp answered with J. Noble 138 (C, raw 69) and F. Callaghan 117 (V, not activated) and D. Wilmot 99, M. Hall 96, A. Neal-Bullen 89, K. Worner 85, T. Miller 80, K. Pickett 78, C. Macdonald 68, D. Byrne-Jones 59. Maddie's 1119 is a respectable score that ran into a Roberts-led freight train. 2-9, eleventh. The streak Maddie started two weeks ago is firmly broken.
WOMINJEKA WARRIROS — SEVEN IN A ROW, AND ALSO LOOPHOLED. Wominjeka 1250 d CharlieGuerno 1194. Al captained L. Whitfield. L. Whitfield did not play. The vice-captaincy of H. McCluggage duly doubled to 146 (raw 73). The league has noticed. Al was not 'unlucky with his captain' — Al was running the captain loophole, which works exactly as designed and is, technically, within the rules, and is, also technically, the kind of thing the rest of the group chat is going to bring up in the post-round debrief. Al also had C. Oliver 126, J. De Goey 112, J. Worrell 105, S. Walsh 96, E. Yeo 80, T. Kelly 74, W. Duursma 75, J. Witts 63, J. Sicily 66, J. Howe 65, J. Macrae 62, J. Ginnivan 56. Charlie answered with — and this is where the universe started laughing — L. NEALE 220 from the C (raw 110). The actual Lachie Neale, playing for CharlieGuerno's team, posting 220 in a round where the team NAMED AFTER HIM beat someone else 1335-1079. Charlie also had M. Holmes 110, W. Milera 106, S. Berry 105 (V), P. Cripps 104, T. Greene 90, G. Hewett 85, M. Frederick 57, J. Impey 79, C. Idun 72, T. De Koning 59, A. Aliir 37, J. Sweet 62, T. Papley 30, B. Fritsch 60. A wasted-Cripps 222 last week, a wasted-Neale 220 this week. Charlie's pattern is now official: captain a club legend, lose by single digits. 6-5, sixth.
CATSLEE'S 1384 — ROUND HIGH, ALSO LOOPHOLED. Spongi beat Anna's Angels15 1384-1104, the biggest team total of the round. Spongi captained O. Hollands. O. Hollands did not play. J. Dawson, conveniently positioned as vice-captain, scored 131, doubled to 262 — the BIGGEST INDIVIDUAL SCORE OF THE ROUND, the kind of return you get when you are very lucky or, alternatively, when you are very deliberate. Spongi also had L. Davies-Uniacke 126, J. Treacy 116, J. Simpkin 114, C. Petracca 107, B. Williams 106 (from the bench), Z. Butters 97, E. Langdon 91, R. Marshall 83, J. Battle 82, J. Fletcher 79, K. Chandler 77, T. Stewart 65. Anna scored 1104 with L. Ash 174 (C, raw 87) — second straight week with Ash-C — and M. Bontempelli 94 (V), K. Langford 104, R. Laird 102, M. Pittonet 74, I. Rankine 71, L. Meek 64, J. McInerney 63, B. Uwland 52, D. Moore 51, J. Lever 63, A. Brayshaw 86. The two captains-out-via-DNP this week (Hollands and Whitfield) both watched their teams WIN through VC activation. Anna 5-6, eighth.
STABBY 7-4, BOUNCES BACK. Stabby Chatfields beat Cotton On Contributions 1295-1217. After two straight losses dropped Marc from solo-first to fourth, Stabby finally got the W back — via I. Heeney 196 from the C (raw 98) and a balanced midfield. Stabby also had E. Richards 85, P. Cripps 104, O. Florent 94, T. Xerri 100, J. Cameron 111, B. Hardwick 92, T. McCartin 82, H. McKay 92, M. Georgiades 65, J. Daicos 73 (V). T. Bruhn DNP. AND YET. Cotton's H. Sheezel 242 from the C (raw 121) — the SECOND-biggest individual score of the round — OUTSCORED Stabby's captain Heeney (196) by 46 points, and Cotton STILL LOST BY 78. Cotton also had S. Flanders 117, D. Cameron 124, M. Rowell 120, J. Steele 91, J. Ross 91, C. Wilkie 69 (V), J. Clark 70, W. Powell 66, C. McKercher 57, M. Lewis 31, S. Durham 16, H. Young DNP. Cotton has now lost SEVEN games while scoring 14,013 points-for — the second-highest total in the league, behind only Diamond (14,383). Cotton scores like a top-two team and is ninth. The Cotton Curse is no longer a curse; it is a documented climatological phenomenon. 4-7. Tied for highest-scoring loser of the week with claire (Daicos) and Charlie (Neale). The big-captain-loses club had three new members.
THE FOUR BIGGEST SCORES OF THE ROUND. Dawson 262 (VC, Catslee — WON via loophole), Daicos 252 (C, claire — LOST), Sheezel 242 (C, Cotton — LOST), Neale 220 (C, Charlie — LOST). Three of the four biggest individual scores belonged to LOSING teams. The only one on a winner was a VC whose captain didn't play because the coach picked him to not play. The captaincy gods didn't go upside down; two coaches turned them upside down on purpose. We don't make the rules. Spongi and Al exploit them.
LADDER STATE: Tom solo 1st (9-2). Diamond and Wominjeka tied 8-3 — Diamond second on percentage. Stabby 7-4, fourth. The 6-5 logjam: Lachie 5th, Charlie 6th, Catslee 7th — all separated by percentage. Anna 5-6, eighth. Cotton 4-7, ninth — the league's second-highest scorer, still nowhere near finals. claire 3-8, tenth. Maddie and Mitch both 2-9 — Maddie 11th on percentage, Mitch dead last with the worst points-against in the league. We march on.
All coaches were made available for questions. Most of them should not have been.
Q: Tom. 9-2. Solo first by a full game. B. Smith 194 (C) — third straight week of Smith-C, third straight W.
“Three weeks of B. Smith captaincy. Returns: 254, 314, 194. Wins: three from three. The captaincy printing press is in good working order. 9-2, solo first, no one within touching distance. I'd like to send my regards to claire's Daicos 252, which lost.”
Q: claire's Daicos 252 (C) outscored your Smith 194 (C) by 58. You won by 113. Comment.
“Daicos posted 252. I posted 1257. I will not be drawn into a captain-vs-captain comparison when I have R. Sanders 81, M. Kennedy 80, J. Sinclair 101, M. Reid 93, Z. Bailey 88, L. Duggan 110 off the bench and 11 other men I respect deeply. Team sport. Captain doesn't win matchups alone — although mine did for three straight weeks. Anyway.”
Q: KP. You captained B. Grundy for the FOURTH straight week. Sequence: 256 L, 54 L, 322 L, 160 W. You scored 322 from the C and lost. You scored 160 from the C and won by 256. Explain.
“B. Grundy is my captain. The universe finally relented. After torturing me with 322 in a loss — A SEASON-HIGH C RETURN IN A LOSS — it has given me 160 in a 256-point belting. I scored 1335. I won by 256. I will not characterise this as 'finally' or 'about time.' I will characterise it as the natural order being restored. Six and five. The middle of the table will not be a comfortable place for me to be. I am coming.”
Q: D. Parish 129, T. Taranto 127, J. Horne-Francis 124, J. Crisp 108 — first time you've had four players in the high 120s in a long time.
“I have always had this in me. Look at my Parish. Look at my Taranto. Look at my JHF. The team is whole again. Grundy is now allowed to be quiet because the rest of the side has, finally, agreed to also turn up. Next week we go again. Mitch I am sorry.”
Q: Claire. N. Daicos 252 from the C — a season-best Daicos return — and you lost by 113. Five weeks of Daicos-C now reads 270 L, 248 L, 95 L, 204 W, 252 L.
“The lowercase rises, the lowercase falls. I posted Daicos 252. I lost. Last week I posted Daicos 204 and won. The universe wanted me to taste victory exactly once and then return to the shadows. I accept this. 3-8. Daicos is still my captain. I am not retreating from any position.”
Q: Is Daicos still your C next week?
“Daicos is my captain forever. Five weeks. One win. I will see this through to its logical conclusion which, given the trajectory, is probably 'a thirteenth-place finish.' I'd also like to say: Tom's M. Kennedy got 80 against my L. Ashcroft. We were closer than the scoreline suggests. We were not, in fact, close. But spiritually.”
Q: Zwerve. You FINALLY benched L. Jackson as captain — A. Roberts (C) 212 (raw 106). Was the L. Jackson regression last week the wake-up call?
“L. Jackson is still my vice. He scored 93 today. He is a critical part of this side. But A. Roberts had earned the C — he was my V last week posting 101, the week before posting 88, the week before that 95. The man has been on a tear. I rewarded him with the armband. He gave me 212. I won by 154. 8-3, second on the ladder. The Zwerves do not stagnate. The Zwerves evolve.”
Q: Are you the actual favourite for the flag now?
“Tom is first. I am second. Wominjeka is third on percentage. The top three are all 8-win sides plus Tom on nine. The flag will be decided in the back half. I will not say I'm the favourite because Tom will read this and use it against me. I will say I'm the silent killer. The Zwerves are coming for him.”
Q: Marc. The tumble stops. I. Heeney 196 (C). Bounce back from two losses. 7-4, fourth.
“The Chatfields have rebuilt. Heeney 196 from the C. P. Cripps 104, J. Cameron 111, T. Xerri 100, B. Hardwick 92, H. McKay 92, E. Richards 85, O. Florent 94. We scored 1295, the second-highest in the league this week. The downturn is over. Fourth on the ladder. Top four is mine and I am not letting it go again.”
Q: You beat Cotton's H. Sheezel 242 (C). His captain outscored yours by 46. You still won by 78.
“Jackson can have his Sheezel. I have my Heeney, my Cripps, my Cameron, my Richards, my Xerri. I have an EVEN spread. Jackson has one Sheezel and a lot of holes. That is the difference between fourth and ninth. The Chatfields will see you next week.”
Q: Anna. 1104. Lost to Catslee by 280 — biggest margin of the round. L. Ash 174 (C). What happened?
“Spongi got Dawson 262 from a VC activation because his captain DNP'd. That is a 131-point captain swing I didn't get and couldn't have anticipated. Outside of that — my Ash gave me 174, Langford 104, Laird 102, Bontempelli 94 (V) — fine. The middle of my squad had a quiet day. McInerney 63, Moore 51, Uwland 52. 5-6, eighth. We are not in trouble. We are not yet in trouble.”
Q: Spongi. You captained O. Hollands. He didn't play. J. Dawson VC doubled to 262. Group chat says you ran the captain loophole. Care to comment?
“I will not characterise it as a loophole. I will characterise it as 'using the rules as written.' The rules say if your captain scores zero, the VC doubles. The rules do not say I have to feel BAD about it. Dawson got 262. I scored 1384, the highest total of the round. Six and five, climbing. I refuse to apologise for reading the fine print.”
Q: Al did the same thing this week with Whitfield. You two compare notes beforehand?
“Al and I did not compare notes. Al and I are both intelligent men in a 12-team draft league. We arrived at the same logical conclusion independently. If the league wants to ban the loophole, the league can ban the loophole. Until then I will continue to win matchups by 280. Spongi out.”
Q: Charlie. L. Neale 220 from the C — the actual Lachie Neale, on YOUR team, while the team NAMED AFTER him won. You lost by 56.
“I would like the universe to take a look in the mirror. Neale 220. Last week Cripps 222. My captain is averaging 221 over two weeks and I'm 0-2 in those weeks. M. Holmes 110, W. Milera 106, S. Berry 105 (V), P. Cripps 104, T. Greene 90 — solid. T. Papley 30 and B. Fritsch 60 — not solid. 6-5, sixth. The wasted-captain Hall of Fame is now exhibiting MY entries in the front room.”
Q: Al. Seven in a row. Also: you captained L. Whitfield knowing he wouldn't play and VC McCluggage doubled to 146. Loophole. Talk.
“I refuse to dignify the word 'loophole.' I will call it a 'strategic captaincy.' Whitfield was a defensible C on form. He did not happen to play. McCluggage VC doubled to 146 as the system permits. Oliver 126, De Goey 112, Worrell 105, Walsh 96. SEVEN in a row. 8-3, third on percentage. I beat a Neale 220 (C) opponent by 56. The Warriros do not need to apologise to anyone.”
Q: Spongi did the same thing on the other side of the ladder. Coincidence or coordinated?
“Spongi and I are not colluding. We are reading the same rulebook. If the league wishes to legislate the loophole out, the league has a Slack channel. Until then I have a seven-game streak and I plan to extend it via whatever methods are not explicitly prohibited.”
Q: Jackson. H. Sheezel 242 from the C — second-biggest score of the round. S. Flanders 117, D. Cameron 124, M. Rowell 120. Lost by 78. Cotton is now 4-7 and SECOND in the league for points-for behind Diamond.
“I scored 242 from the C. I scored 1217. I lost. This is my SEVENTH loss while sitting second for points-for. I have now lost six games where I scored over 1200. I'd like a moment to grieve in private but the press cycle will not allow it. The Cotton Curse is real. It is documented. It is not a curse. It is, as previously stated, my brand.”
Q: You also lost the points-for crown. Diamond passed you. Comment.
“I have scored 14,013 points. Only Diamond has scored more. I have four wins. The math is the math. I would like to make a small request: if I am going to lose 11 games this season, can I at least keep the PF title? I have earned a small consolation. Anyway. Next week.”
Q: Mitch. 2-9. Nine straight losses. Gawn 176 (C) wasted for the FOURTH week running. Dead last.
“M. Gawn 176. Four straight weeks of Gawn-C — 212, 212, 168, 176 — 768 captain points across four rounds, zero wins. I am genuinely starting to consider that Gawn might be the carrier of a curse and the captaincy is what activates it. Z. Merrett 148 (V, didn't double). J. Short 122. McGrath DNP, Cumming DNP, Gunston DNP. S. Sidebottom emergency-in for the third week running. The man is a Mitch player at this point. 2-9. Last on percentage. The gap to 11th is now permanent. I will be back. I will not say when.”
Q: Maddie. 2-9. Lost to Diamond by 154. J. Noble 138 (C, raw 69), F. Callaghan 117 (V), D. Wilmot 99, M. Hall 96.
“I made Noble C. He gave me 138. Callaghan V — 117, didn't double, fine. Wilmot, Hall, Worner, Neal-Bullen all over 80. I scored 1119. Zwerve scored 1273. We were never going to win that. Streak is gone. 2-9. Eleventh on percentage. I'm above Mitch and below everyone else, which is more or less the Maddiekarp identity at this stage of the season. We reset. We go again.”
| # | Team | W | L | D | PF | PA | % |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Tom is Team | 9 | 2 | 0 | 13275 | 12436 | 106.7 |
| 2 | The Diamond Zwerves | 8 | 3 | 0 | 14383 | 13394 | 107.4 |
| 3 | Wominjeka Warriros | 8 | 3 | 0 | 13592 | 12999 | 104.6 |
| 4 | Stabby Chatfields | 7 | 4 | 0 | 12560 | 12038 | 104.3 |
| 5 | Lachie Neale's Divorce Lawyer | 6 | 5 | 0 | 13645 | 13240 | 103.1 |
| 6 | CharlieGuerno | 6 | 5 | 0 | 13493 | 13154 | 102.6 |
| 7 | Catslee Spinning | 6 | 5 | 0 | 12819 | 12611 | 101.6 |
| 8 | Anna's Angels15 | 5 | 6 | 0 | 13146 | 13876 | 94.7 |
| 9 | Cotton On Contributions | 4 | 7 | 0 | 14013 | 13501 | 103.8 |
| 10 | claire | 3 | 8 | 0 | 11724 | 12636 | 92.8 |
| 11 | Maddiekarp | 2 | 9 | 0 | 12903 | 13902 | 92.8 |
| 12 | 🚨MitchWhite | 2 | 9 | 0 | 11858 | 13624 | 87.0 |